How I Found Love and Great Sex After 60: The Backstory

Vicki here…

I’m convinced from personal experience and professional research that older people are capable of having great sex after 60. I know we have the potential to thrive in old age when we focus on love and intimacy instead of physical decline, illness and death.

I’ve been blogging for a while, talking about the incredible physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy people can have late in life. I believe it’s essential for seniors who want to stay healthy and keep their intimate relationships alive to continue being sexual in old age.

My journey

In this blog, I’ll be writing from two points of view. I am both a clinical psychologist, who’s been in practice for over 40 years and a sexually active woman in her 70s. Personally, I was more than surprised to discover how great sex can be after 60. I never imagined that my sexuality would blossom in “old age,” but it has, and I’m one happy girl!

Unfortunately until recently, American culture has dictated that senior sex is taboo–embarrassing to mention, even laughable. When I was 62 and found myself single, I wanted to date. But the “culture of youth” loomed large, and I was quickly informed I was too old for love and romance. They explained that a woman over 60 has lost her sex appeal, and no one wants to date her. So, I should go home and be content with gardening, traveling, and doing volunteer work. I felt like I had been set adrift at sea  with no place to call home.

Out to sea

Not that there’s anything wrong with those hobbies. I am an inveterate traveler, love gardening, and had already started a nonprofit charity in the Democratic Republic of Congo. But I wanted something more personal, and to be honest, my body and soul longed for deep physical intimacy. I didn’t agree—not one little bit—that old people don’t want sex in their lives. I craved all the glorious, messy stuff of our most powerful life force.

That was in 2006, and everything I read then reinforced the belief that great sex after 60 was only a dream, and I should give up the fantasy. In addition, many of my friends shared the same belief and had replaced their sex lives with grandchildren or food or both. Well, I don’t have grandkids and have never been a “foodie.” I was feeling unwanted and lonely, and I didn’t want to feel that way for the rest of my life. So, I decided if I couldn’t have love and romance, I could at least have great sex before I died.

How I found my way home

I started dating online and discovered there were other “older” folks out there also looking for love and intimacy. To my delighted surprise, I discovered that the world of love and romance was still open to me, but it was definitely an adventure at my age. As expected, I experienced many ups and downs but came away intact with stories to tell. And, yes, I kissed a lot of frogs, but isn’t that what we did when we were young?

Why is this phase of our lives so different than any other developmental stage? And, when you think about it, there’s precious little time left to be prudish. So I put myself out there, met new people, took chances, and learned new ways of doing things. I began studying Tantra, the Western version of ancient Buddhist and Hindu teachings which teaches the art of sacred sex and ecstasy.

I chose Tantra specifically because it demonstrates how to open your heart to love and experience the beauty of sex with another. Tantra classes offer a combination of breath work, meditation, and couples’ exercises that promote sexual healing and intimate connection—in workshops without implicit sex. Tantra played an instrumental role in changing my life for the better, so I’ll be writing more about it.

It was daunting at first because I went by myself and was often the oldest woman in the room. But I persevered–even while having panic attacks out of fear of rejection, I kept going. (Ahh, the secret to my success is revealed!) I learned how to open my heart, which allowed me to connect deeply with others. (Yes, it really can happen with the right teachers!) And, I learned how to be less critical of myself and more loving with others. Eventually, I found the love of my life and created the loving, sexy relationship I’ve always wanted. And my life just keeps getting better.

It’s your birthright to enjoy loving sex as you age

Now if you think that I’m all that different from you, think again! I simply allowed myself to explore my sexuality at a time when most people are hanging it up. What I discovered, and what I want to pass on to you, is that it’s your birthright to enjoy the pleasure and the extraordinary health benefits of loving sex, regardless of how old or infirm you are. 

I know this to be true because, in addition to myself, I’ve interviewed many other seniors who are happier now than they’ve ever been, having the most satisfying, intimate relationships of their lives. None of us saw it coming. None of us imagined it could be this good. You, too, have the potential to have great sex after 60. . .if you want it.

Sublime senior sex

I’ve been researching sex and aging for over 10 years now. Contrary to what I thought, I discovered that seniors are uniquely suited to having the physical intimacy people yearn for all their lives. I’m not talking about athletic, penis/vagina sexual marathons. We all know that kind of sex belongs to the young, as much as we might lament it.

The sublime sex seniors are having includes intercourse, but it is not necessarily the main course. Senior sex is juicier and more satisfying because we bring to it a taste refined by age. In my experience, seniors place more importance on intimacy than sexual performance per se. Senior sex is sublime because lovers value their intimate connection with each other more than they do reaching orgasm. This allows their lovemaking to be more relaxed and intimate, which is naturally erotic and arousing, and ultimately more orgasmic than sex previously.

Aging makes sublime sex possible

It is who we are now that allows us to dive deeper into sensuality and intimacy. Humbled by life, we are kinder, wiser, and less judgmental. No longer dazzled by shiny new stuff and with the end in sight, we yearn for intimate relationships now more than ever. I wanted a partner to face the inevitable with, someone who would make love to me until the end.

And, yes, I am very familiar with the physical challenges and limitations that aging and illness bring, but they can be worked around. When the desire is there, exploring these “workarounds” can be bonding, juicy experiences.

Introducing my beloved husband, Kevin

I am co-authoring this blog with my husband Kevin, who is the “wind beneath my wings” in all things and without whom this project would not materialize. It is in deep, loving relationship with him that I’ve come to understand—finally after all these years—the true meaning of love and to be able to experience the soul-shaking experience of sacred sex.

heart-shaped-islands-of-love

Kevin here…

Hello, I’m Kevin, Vicki’s beloved and most fortunate partner. I’m along on this wild trip with you and plan to join the conversation when I feel called to do so. I am a retired general surgeon and an artist. Quickly approaching 70, I’m having the most intimate, sexy relationship of my life.

In this blog, we will explore the benefits and challenges of being sexually active in our 60s, 70s, and 80s. We’re interested in hearing from other folks because we know we’re not the only ones to have discovered this secret. We’re also going to discuss the challenges of being sexual at our age, and we welcome your questions and comments about those as well.

We don’t want to talk about how aging sucks. We’re all too familiar with those trials, and most of what we’re taught about aging is negative anyway. Instead, we’re focusing on the potential this stage has for being the most exciting, transformative, and satisfying chapter of our lives yet.

Ours is the first generation to speak openly about sex while growing older. We are also the first generation to have longevity, medicines, and health aids to experiment with new ways of aging. As pioneers in this area, we are blazing a trail so others may follow.

Together on this aging journey, we set sail for unknown lands without a lifeboat. There is no turning back and no chance of return. But there are exotic uncharted lands to explore along the way, possibly more fascinating than what we’ve known before. This is one amazing trip. We’re going to share what we’ve learned and hope to hear how you’re making these last years extraordinary.

 Let us know your story in the box below!

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2018-12-04T12:37:08+00:00