Kevin here. . .
Today, I want to talk about one of my favorite things to do. . .making out!
Long relegated to hormone-driven adolescents, making out has become a favorite sexual activity late in my life. As teenagers, we made out for hours because it was new and exciting, or we weren’t ready to “go all the way.” But now that I’m older, I love making out because the intimate face-to-face connection is so erotic.
Gazing into Vicki’s eyes, just inches away, induces an altered state of consciousness in both of us. As I feel our warm breaths mingling and smell her scent, I feel the powerful life force begin to surge in us. Slowly and deliberately we breathe in unison, and a slight shortness of breath intoxicates me. Breathing faster now, we synch our breaths, mirroring each other’s rhythm.
Face to face, we nuzzle and begin kissing gently. Slowly at first and then with more urgency, our lips meet, linger, and then draw apart, the breath moving quickly now through slightly open mouths. And then by some unseen orchestration, we slow back down to gentle kisses and recycle the intensity.
An electric charge shocks me as our tongues touch, and I feel Vicki’s sexual energy rising again. At times, I’m so hungry for her that it feels like I’m starving and must feed on her or perish. And then I become languid, lost in the connection and sensuality with no need to do anything. . .floating in a timeless place, buoyed by my delicious beloved lying beside me, carried on the ebb and flow of our sexual energy. We can do this for hours.
What’s going on here…what exactly are we doing?
To begin with, there is a lot more going on than just touching lips. We learned in Tantra classes how to intensify and lengthen the erotic nature of kissing by gazing into each others’ eyes and sharing breath. Let me break this down for you.
We begin our lovemaking by looking softly and directly into each other’s eyes, a simple but very powerful action. Because eyes are windows to the soul, doing this creates an intimate connection like no other.
In Tantra workshops, we practiced eye gazing with both men and women. Gazing softly into another’s eyes overwhelms me with love and compassion for the person sitting in front of me. I imagine his struggles and triumphs, her doubts and desires, his loneliness, and her joy. Just like me! And when that happens, my ego dissolves. I realize I am not alone, and my heart opens to the lovely person across from me who is looking into my eyes.
Eye gazing can be very uncomfortable in the beginning. If you’re not used to being intimate in this way, it can feel threatening. Sometimes it brings up strong emotions that need to be witnessed and released. Although eye gazing can be upsetting at first, it is a cathartic healing experience that soon opens your heart to others.
It’s not unusual to feel self-conscious and need to look away. That was me when I was younger and less secure in myself. If you experience this, practice will resolve your resistance. Begin by taking a few seconds every day to hug and eye gaze with your beloved, and you will soon be comfortable looking into each other’s eyes.
How to do eye gazing
- Sit down facing each other at whatever distance feels most comfortable. Close your eyes and use the breath to relax and focus inward. Let go of expectations and open to your partner.
- Begin by looking softly into one of your lover’s eyes (usually the left eye) because switching back and forth is distracting.
- If you need to look away, do so, but come back as soon as you can.
- If your lover has to look away, evoke compassion for his struggle with self-consciousness and wait patiently for his return.
- Notice when you begin to feel closer to your lover. Your roles will dissolve, and the outside world will disappear as you make this soul-to-soul connection.
As you become more comfortable gazing into each other’s eyes, move closer until your lips touch. As the distance shortens, your view will be out of focus, like poorly adjusted binoculars. But the distortion soon becomes natural and your awareness of it fades. I was not a natural eye gazer and had to learn, but now I love it. Sure, sometimes it’s a delight to close my eyes and revel in the sensuality of the moment, but connecting with eyes wide open is intensity incarnate. The ability to eye gaze is essential for deep connection and lasting love.
“The single most important key to sex that I’ve yet discovered is conscious rhythmic breathing; the more you breathe, the more you feel and the more you come alive. — Annie Sprinkle, PhD., Author and Tantrica
Conscious breathing paired with eye gazing is the foundation for ecstatic lovemaking in the Tantric tradition. Shared breathing can be as simple as being aware of the movement of your breath through both your bodies while embracing. Or, it can be as intense as sharing a single breath with your mouths locked together for minutes at a time.
Once Vicki and I have eye gazing going, we synchronize our breaths so that we inhale and exhale at the same time. Tandem breathing creates a deep physical, emotional, and spiritual connection that bonds and arouses us.
Here’s how to do it:
- Sit or lie down facing each other and begin eye gazing.
- Become aware of the movement of your breath and your lover’s breath as it moves in and out of your bodies.
- Begin to synchronize your breathing so that the two of you are inhaling and exhaling at the same time.
- Allow yourself to become lost in the breath, not knowing where one breath ends and the other begins.
Alternate, or circular, breathing
At other times, we do alternate or circular breathing, where one of us inhales while the other exhales. I find this more intimate than tandem breathing because we share the same breath.
Here’s how to do it:
- Begin by sitting across from each other, gazing into each other’s eyes.
- When your lover breathes out, you breathe in. Then, when she inhales, you exhale so that you are sharing the breath.
- Continue to do this as long as you want.
- It’s not unusual to get out of sync and find yourself breathing in tandem again. Switch the breaths up however you like, but the result will be more intense when you do one type of breathing for longer periods of time.
- Imagine your beloved’s energy entering you as you inhale and yours entering her as you exhale.
- You can use this visualization to build erotic arousal: When you imagine your lover’s energy entering you, draw that energy down to your genitals, and as you exhale, imagine sending your breath from there into his erogenous zone. He should imagine the energy moving into his erogenous zone, then draw that energy up through his body and breathing it back into your body to complete the circle.
When I first began sharing breath, it seemed almost too intimate. I worried about bad breath and germs. But after talking about my concerns and spending more time practicing it, I relaxed into the practice. Now, when Vicki and I breathe together, I feel our life forces swirling and merging in the hot, humid cloud of our shared passionate breath. Delicious!!!
Well, I am going to assume most of us understand the nuances of kissing! The one thing I want to say is that change-ups keep kissing from getting boring. Almost any unchanging stimulus evokes less of a response over time, so it’s in your best interests to vary your kisses if you want to keep the intensity alive.
I’m more of a kisser than Vicki, so I’ve learned to change it up to keep her interested. For example, when I find myself getting carried away with an urgent hunger for her mouth, I might back off, soften, and nibble her lips. If I become lost in the sublime softness of her cheek, I can turn up the intensity and switch to love bites on her neck. How do I know when to shift? I follow the energy.
Follow the energy to ecstasy
This is simply doing what fans the spark of your intimacy at the moment and brings you closer to your beloved. This is different from doing what you think your lover should like, what you’ve seen in the media, or what you’ve read that’s supposed to turn her on. And, it’s certainly not a preconceived agenda that you decided ahead of time to arouse him. The energy is changing each moment, and the idea is to follow it together.
Following the energy is all about staying present with what you are doing in the moment. I’m talking about staying tuned in and being spontaneous. This requires continual awareness of both your own and your lover’s responses as the lovemaking unfolds. Great sex is mindful, because it’s only when we’re present in the moment that we are authentic with each other.
Feedback is essential because it drives the positive feedback loop that leads to ecstasy. Great lovers give frequent verbal responses to let you know what’s pleases them, and just as importantly, what does not. And of course, non-verbal expressions are equally important. When Vicki is moaning and writhing in my arms, I know I’m on the right track.
Staying conscious of my own responses is more challenging. I notice I’ve checked out when I realize my mind is wandering while we’re making out. I’m not present when I’m thinking about other things instead of making love. To become present again, I refocus on my breath for a few moments or ask Vicki to begin eye gazing again. At other times,when I’m carried away, I check in to make sure she feels we’re still together. The rest of the time, I head in the direction of what feels good and arouses both of us.
Vicki here. . .
I adore eye gazing and sharing the breath, but I have to admit my admiration was slow in coming. In fact, I thought it was stupid and rarely did it until I met Kevin. Now, we spend hours looking into each others’ eyes and breathing together! I realize this sounds soupy and downright boring, but you gotta try it before you knock it. It’s our default mode, a place to call home. Just thinking about it makes me relax. . . and smile.
In Kevin’s world, making out naturally accompanies eye gazing and shared breathing, so I am learning to love making out as well. Sometimes, it’s just too much kissing for me, but we’re working on that. I’m learning to enjoy the subtleties of kissing, and he’s more sensitive to when I reach my kissing limit. Yet, while we’re working on our differences, I’m finding I like making out more and more. . . something about getting lost in the moment, just the two of us.
Following the energy is what keeps our love life exciting and vital. We may have an agenda, but we rarely follow it, choosing instead to go where our passion leads us. And, it’s always new and different. In the beginning, Kevin worried that our lovemaking might get stale by doing the same thing every time, but we’re finding the opposite to be true. We never do the same thing twice, even when we try to recreate an especially erotic moment.
The bottom line for me: Staying present and following the energy is what makes sex hot!
We’d love to hear what you think about making out and your experience with eye gazing, sharing the breath, and following the energy.